Where Did She Go?

I am going through the most painful grieving process I have ever had to endure.  It causes a painfully intense mourning to wash over me and usually brings on tears.  Its been happening 20-30 times a day and does not seem to be abating, at least not by much.  So I have thought about what I can do to deal with it.

I am not a spiritual person, I don't believe in Heaven, Hell or God.  But I've though....what if I make up some kind of afterlife and place Bella inside that.  Why not?  If I can convince myself to believe in it and visit this idea enough, maybe it will become "real" to me and I can imagine Bella living in this realm.

I began picturing her on a raft in a river, slowly floating away from me.  Maybe she can simply stay suspended in this beautiful river on a warm sunny day at a constant distance from me, resting comfortably, watching the birds and deer and fish as she floats along.  Or maybe she's on a smooth grassy lawn with an automatic tennis ball chucker and she gets to retrieve tennis balls as much as she wants.  Maybe she is simply a spirit that moved from her body when she died and now resides in my heart and I can hold her there and take her with me wherever I go.  I like all three of those scenarios and may work on internalizing them so that they become the new reality.

I know her body is in a refrigerator at Clarkesville Vet waiting for the crematorium to pick her up.  I hate the thought of her in a cold dark place and much prefer the idea that Bella is now able to move freely through a spiritual world and that is completely up to me as to how it is shaped and how she can spend her time.  There's no reason I can't reshape this spiritual world as new things occur to me.   I also thing that Bella should be able to communicate with me and tell me what she likes and doesn't like.

So, until I come up with a better idea, this is where Bella is.