Peaceful Road

       May there be a peaceful road ahead of you tonight
       May there be still waters
       Here my ship lies to take you where you can rest your head
       I will not watch you die 

                    from  "Peaceful Road" by City and Color


Its been two months since we learned of Bella's fate and as of today she shows almost no sign of what lies ahead for her.  She's behaving like her normal self, though we do see signs of an increased appetite and water consumption.  But her eating and activity seems nearly normal.  Her cancerous lymph nodes have grown only modestly and do not seem to be having any affect on her.   But she's a tough girl and may simply be playing through the pain...who knows.

After dinner tonight I went to my office and sat in front on my computer.  Within minutes Bella came in and sat at my side.  I could feel her staring at me.  I reached down to pet her head, then turned towards her and began massaging her shoulders with both hands.  She gradually dropped her head down and absorbed the massage.  When I finished with her shoulders I moved to her neck, her head and ears.  She loves this and sat quietly as I stroked her.  As I looked down at her I noticed her typically cockeyed seating, her rear legs splayed out at a funny angle as she often does.  I spotted a rock from our driveway on the rug,  without a doubt one that she'd brought to me hoping I'd throw it for her to retrieve.  When I finished her massage I clapped her shoulders once and said, "OK, go lay down".  She obediently moved around to the front of my desk and with an audible exhale she laid down.

I thought about the road ahead for her, hoping I can make it a peaceful journey for her.

Will You Let Me Go?

Last night I watched a movie titled "Christopher Robin".   It was a fantasy tale about a boy's animated stuffed animals and his reconnection with them after he has a family and a demanding job.  His favorite is a bear named "Pooh".  Christopher lets it slip that he is planning to "let some of his workers go".  Given the decades of abandonment that Pooh has endured, he asks Christopher in the saddest tone, "Christopher, did you let me go?".

It was the most touching scene I've ever seen in a movie.

I immediately switched gears and fast forwarded to the coming final minutes I'll have with Bella.  I pictured her looking at me like Pooh did and asking, "Will you let me go?"

Of course, the answer to this is, "Yes, Bella.  I will eventually have to let you go."  Not because I want to, but because it will be the kindest thing I can do for my sweetest girl.

And that thought brings tears to my eyes.  

Bella's Eyes

I have always thought that Bella (and to be perfectly honest, Buck too) has the most soulful eyes.  Her expressions tell you all you need to know about her emotions, whether that be excited or fearful or happy or whatever.  Its in her eyes.  Today I was studying her face and noticed how beautiful her eye lashes are.  So here's a remainder of what they look like.

A Tuft of White Fur

             "Who's gonna tell you when
                It's too late?
             Who's gonna tell you things
              Aren't so great?"

                   
                     -From "Drive" by The Cars

This morning I decided to ride my bicycle and went through my usual routine to prepare for it.  At my parking spot near Rock Road I pulled my cycling gloves from my bag and noticed a clump of white fur, clearly Bella's, stuck to them.  I pulled the fur away from the gloves and looked closely at the curly white strands.  Although our house is littered with fur like this, I knew that once she was gone I'd find fewer and fewer of these physical remnants of her.  At some point a find like this will be treasured. 

It was sunny and cool with a slight breeze coming out of the west. My iPod played "Drive" by The Cars, saying "You can't go on, Thinking nothing's wrong".

Believe me, that's NOT what I'm thinking.

I held the tuft of white fur up to my nose to see if I could detect her scent. Nope, I don't have Bella's sense of smell.  With the wind at my back I released the fur and it floated in mid air.  With the sun shining through the clump, I studied the tangle of hairs and wondered how long it had been since they were actually growing on her body.

Slowly the breeze began to carry it away from me, lifting it ever so slightly towards the blue sky.  I watched it steadily drift away on the breeze and strained to keep it within my view.  Eventually it rose over the road, climbing upward towards the bare winter tree limbs.  It crossed the road, floated through the power lines and disappeared.  I moved to try to regain sight of it and for a few seconds I  could see it.  The tuft came and went.  And then it was gone.

That's the way life is...it comes to us unannounced, surprising us with its gifts.  Then one day it drifts away on a breeze and is gone forever.

And that breaks your heart.