The anniversary of losing Bella just passed the six month mark and I wanted to update this blog. She is still very much in my thoughts and I still take frequent walks to "Bella's Corner" in a way that mimics the daily (actually 2-3 times daily) tennis ball retrieving sessions we'd have down at the barn. As I prepare to leave the house I will very quietly, but still out loud, say "C'mon girl, let's go for a walk" just as I would have done when she was alive. I will look closely at the places she'd have stopped to pee, or where she'd have purposefully walked with her head and tail carried high. Along the driveway approaching the barn I often look to my left and recall how she'd excitedly move along the grass right beside the gravel driveway. At the corner that's now marked as "Bella's Corner I look across the grass and through the maple trees and remember how much she loved being there. After a few minutes, I say" C'mon girl, lets go home. Let's get a treat". That was always enough to get her moving towards the house. And as I walk back home, I recall how she'd carry herself and the different routes she'd take to go home.
I think a lot about life and death and what happens to a living being when they die. I am not religious and don't believe in God. I don't think there's a heaven or hell. But maybe this is making become "spiritual". I want to believe that something of Bella remains. I look to the sky and wonder if her spirit or soul or life force is still there. I feel like part of her still exists and maybe I am carrying that inside me? For now, I think that's it. It is more that just my memory of her...I think that I am carrying Bella's spirit (for lack of a better term) inside of me. And whether or not that is true and provable is just not important. It is enough for me to feel her spirit in me. I can settle for that.
My mourning for Bella has transitioned. I still come to tears on occasion, but it is becoming much less frequent. The pain I felt for months has subsided somewhat. I am more focused on remembering her personality and remembering her habits and behavior. I miss her terribly and I doubt that will ever fade. But it is easier now than before and I'm grateful for that.
For now I am content to savor her memory and to lovingly carry her spirit in my mind and heart.
I love you Bella.
