Sherry and I began sorting through Bella's stuff almost immediately after coming home from Bella's euthanasia. Honestly I would have preferred waiting a while, but there was really no reason not to get started. Her things were separated into a Goodwill pile, a trash pile and a pile of unexpired meds that Christy told us they could use as donations at the vet office. So I made the rounds.
When I walked into the vet office the receptionist asked me how I was. I told her it was the worst day of my life. She said, "Aw, I know. We're so sorry." and then she asked if I'd like to see Bella again. Actually I'd thought about this and immediately told her I would. In a couple of minutes Christy came out and took me back to an exam room where Bella's body was on the table. The smell of her "fluids" hit me when I walked in but I didn't care. She was laying on a stainless steel exam table and had a baby blue blanket draped over her with her head and front shoulder exposed. I was struck with how beautiful she looked, her strawberry blond fur was smooth and her face looked at peace. I knew that the awful struggle she'd been through was over and that the cancer was now just as dead as she was. They handed me a clay casting of her paw.
They left me alone to say goodbye to her one more time. I stroked her head and ears and legs and feet. I lifted her ear and smelled her-she still smelled like Bella. Her body was cold from being refrigerated, but her limbs were still flexible. I examined her toes and pads and toe nails and saw how I could have done a far better job grooming her. I tried to close her eyelids, but they kept springing open. I talked to her softly and kissed her head. I told her that I loved her and would miss her so much. The tears began flowing and it seemed to me that I'd really not let loose when Dr. Wonders euthanized her. I think I was trying to hold back at the time and this was an opportunity to let go. After a few minutes I decided that I'd done what I came to do and left. I thanked the receptionist on the way out and backed out of the vet's parking lot for the last time.
This afternoon I've thought about little else than my sweet girl. I feel such deep emotions over losing her and have walked around the farm where we'd often go to retrieve tennis balls. I could picture the way she'd walk and run and how she'd carry herself. I stopped where we'd always to to retrieve balls and in the places she'd often go to for rest. I am in tremendous pain over this and I miss her deeply.
No comments:
Post a Comment