Emptiness

Its been over five weeks since Bella died and I still mourn her loss on a daily basis.  Multiple times each day I will turn a corner in the house and, without overtly thinking of her, I'll expect her to be there.  Its an instinctive reaction formed by thousands of repetitions over eleven years.

Of course as soon as this thought occurs it washes away as I acknowledge the reality of her death.  It produces the feeling that I am alone, without my best friend and constant companion.  It leaves me facing the permanence of my future without her.  The futility of wishing it weren't true and of wishing I could spend another hour with her presses in on my brain with an unshakeable weight.  It is a dark, hollow sense that fills me up and weighs me down.  It is an emptiness that I cannot push aside.

Bella was part of my life for eleven years. She brought me joy and satisfaction, she amused me and amazed me, she was my partner and best friend.  She fill up a very large part of my life at a time when there were few friends in my life.  At this point in my life Sherry has moved away from me emotionally, spending very little time with me and this has left me with an empty plate. 

Bella did her very best to fill this up and I loved her dearly.  Her companionship did a great deal to give me a relationship that I could count on every day.  With her passing, this emptiness has come roaring back and I have no idea how I'm going to replace her.  I've thought, ever so briefly,  about another dog but I'm not ready for that...and wonder if I ever will be.