And danced the skies on laughter-
Sunward I've climbed and joined
the tumbling mirth of sun-split clouds.
by John Magee
In 2008 I bought Sherry a birthday gift...a beautiful Golden Retriever puppy that was half sister to Buck, our first Golden. Sherry named her Bella and she immediately became part of our family and Buck's new best friend.
I've had lots of dogs over the years and while I loved them all, none of them have touched me as deeply as Bella. I can't explain this, perhaps there is some invisible chemistry that bonded us together, maybe its that in my retirement years I have spent more time with Bella than any other dog. I don't know why and its really not important to explain. What's important is that she and I have had an amazing emotional connection throughout her life and will continue until one of us "slips the surly bonds of earth".
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| Buck and Bella |
This week I noticed some unusual lumps the size of jelly beans in her throat. I took her to the vet where she was examined by both Dr. Wonders and Dr. Williams. They asked about other symptoms but I couldn't identify anything out of the ordinary...she was active, eating, drinking, pooping, etc like she always does. He explained that swollen lymph nodes can be part of an infection, but that there would be other symptoms too. And we had none of those.
I was then told that they suspected she had Lymphoma which is a blood-borne cancer of lymphocytes, a specific type of white blood cell. It is the most common malignant cancer diagnosed in dogs. It is a killer.
I said to the doctor, "You don't seem very optimistic about this".
He replied, "No, I'm not".
The seriousness of the situation began to wash over me.
I asked, "What's the outlook if it is Lymphoma?"
"It will kill her in months if we don't treat it. With chemo she could live for a year"
I don't think I would have been more stunned if I was the patient. Tears welled up and my head spun as I tried to digest what I was hearing. This was the bad news I'd always feared that I'd hear. Bella was now eleven years old and I dreaded the thought of losing her. I agreed to leave her with the vet for a few hours so that they could draw fluid from the swollen lymph nodes and prepare it for the biopsy.
Driving home, I began to process the news and was overcome with grief. I hammered my steering wheel and screamed, "No. No. No.". I shouted, "You fucker", at no one in particular...maybe cursing at Cancer, maybe at God. I was hurt, scared, angry. I thought about what poor sweet Bella would have to go through. I thought about losing my best friend and constant companion over the past 11 years. I'm ashamed to say it, but I felt a deeper sense of loss than when my father died.
I called Sherry and told her what had happened. She was stunned, simply saying, "Oh no".
And so, a day later, we sit and wait for the test results, expecting the worst with little reason for hope. Sherry and I discussed what we'd do next (treat her with Chemo, let nature take its course, get another Golden, etc.) but we really don't have the information we need to go beyond pure speculation. The test results are due back tomorrow.
Now that she's home and her sedative has worn off Bella seems perfectly normal. She's eating normally, active as ever, blissfully unaware of what hellish nightmare might be churning away in her body...that evil fucking disease trying to kill my sweet girl. I thought that if I could get my hands on those exploding cells I'd choke the life out of them, I'd smash them to death before they could kill my girl.
I don't want to lose Bella and I'm terrified that this is the end for us. We'll know more in a few days. Until then, I will try to cherish what experiences we have left and spend every second with her that I can.
I love you Bella.
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