All the Nevers

  
“Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. ” 

      – Mark Twain

This morning Bella bounded out of her kennel and ran, as she does every morning, for the the front door, eager to take care of her morning business on the front lawn.  I watched her carefully, looking for any signs of pain or weakness but she showed me only her healthy, energetic self.  Once finished she ran to her food bowl and ate in rapid gulps as she always does.  From the laundry room that serves as her kennel she went to the door to our bedroom and laid down, waiting for Sherry to emerge.  So far, business as usual.

When Sherry came out Bella followed her to my office door and Sherry asked, "Do you know where her Baby is?"

Bella has a floppy fabric dog toy that we call her "Baby".  Bella, who loves carrying things around in her mouth (I suppose its part of that retriever instinct) often carries her "Baby" around the house, softly whimpering.

I pointed to it lying on the floor near my desk, "It's there".

Bella scooped it up and followed Sherry to the kitchen.  As she trotted out carrying the Baby, I thought, "She'll never have real babies."

I thought about the other "nevers" in her life.  She never learned to swim.  She never hunted birds.  She never played with dogs other than Buck. There were probably others, but I was overwhelmed with the idea that the end of her life is probably close and, like all of us, there are limits in life that we all must accept...none of us get to do everything and life is all about the decisions and choices we must make that eliminate certain options.  The trick is to go out without any big regrets over the choices we make.

So, as I think about her life I ask myself, "Am I happy with the choices I made for her?  Did I give her the best life I could?  What regrets do I have?"

I don't have answers for these questions.  It strikes me that as our lives wind down, that these same questions will apply to us.  Do we focus on all the nevers (life's regrets) or do we savor the memories we have and celebrate the experiences we chose for ourselves?

I guess this is what life is all about.